function chngNext(){
 document.jokMachine.shownext.value = "Y"
 jokMach();
}
function chngPrev(){
 document.jokMachine.showprev.value = "Y"
 jokMach();
}
function jokMach(){
var totalJoks = 77;     //set total number of jokes/items here and revise if you add more
if ((document.jokMachine.shownext.value == "Y") &&
(document.jokMachine.showprev.value == "N")){
var jokShow = (parseInt(document.jokMachine.nowShowing.value) +1);
 if (jokShow > totalJoks){
  var jokShow = 1;}
 }
if ((document.jokMachine.showprev.value == "Y") &&
(document.jokMachine.shownext.value == "N")){
var jokShow = (parseInt(document.jokMachine.nowShowing.value) - 1);
 if (jokShow < 1){
  var jokShow = totalJoks;}
 }
if ((document.jokMachine.showprev.value == "N") &&
(document.jokMachine.shownext.value == "N")){
 var jokShow = (Math.random() * totalJoks);
 var jokShow = Math.ceil(jokShow);}
//additional jokes/items can be added here just follow the pattern
//remember to use single quotes in the joke/item text or else bad
//things will happen. Do it this way "text 'more text' text"
if (jokShow == 1) {
var _jok =  "Women might be able to fake orgasms.  But men can fake whole relationships.\n'Sharon Stone'";
}
if (jokShow == 2) {
var _jok =  "Honesty is the key to a relationship.  If you can fake that, you're in.\n'Courtney Cox - Monica on 'Friends''";
}
if (jokShow == 3) {
var _jok =  "I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty.  Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.\n'Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead'";
}
if (jokShow == 4) {
var _jok =  "Clinton lied.  A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.\n'Barbara Bush - Former First Lady'";
}
if (jokShow == 5) {
var _jok =  "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.\n'Robin Williams'";
}
if (jokShow == 6) {
var _jok =  "Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place.\n'Billy Crystal'";
}
if (jokShow == 7) {
var _jok =  "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.\n'Rod Stewart'";
}
if (jokShow == 8) {
var _jok =  "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth.  On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.\n'Bruce Willis'";
}
if (jokShow == 9) {
var _jok =  "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.  And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.\n'George Burns'";
}
if (jokShow == 10) {
var _jok =  "Luge strategy?  Lie flat on a tray and try not to die.\n'Carmen Boyle - Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996'";
}
if (jokShow ==11) {
var _jok =  "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.\n'Henry Kissenger - former US Secretary of State'";
}
if (jokShow == 12) {
var _jok =  "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.\n'Steve Jobs - Founder: Apple Computers'";
}
if (jokShow == 13) {
var _jok =  "My cousin just died.  He was only 19.  He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.\n'Dan Rather'";
}
if (jokShow == 14) {
var _jok =  "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said, 'Thyroid problem?'\n'Arnold Schwarzenegger'";
}
if (jokShow == 15) {
var _jok =  "Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.\n'Tiger Woods'";
}
if (jokShow == 16) {
var _jok =  "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.\n'Axel Rose - Guns 'n' Roses'";
}
if (jokShow == 17) {
var _jok =  "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.  But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon master.\n'Rev. Jesse Jackson'";
}
if (jokShow == 18) {
var _jok =  "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.\n'Jack Nicholson'";
}
if (jokShow == 19) {
var _jok =  "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.\n'Roseanne'";
}
if (jokShow == 20) {
var _jok =  "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.  They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.\n'Robert De Niro'";
}
if (jokShow == 21) {
var _jok =  "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.  Is that really a problem in this country?  Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?\n'Hugh Grant'";
}
if (jokShow == 22) {
var _jok =  "There's a new medical crisis.  Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they cause severe swelling.  So what's the problem?\n'Dustin Hoffman'";
}
if (jokShow == 23) {
var _jok =  "When the sun comes up, I have morals again.\n'Elizabeth Taylor'";
}
if (jokShow == 24) {
var _jok =  "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing.  Just show me somebody naked.\n'Jerry Seinfield'";
}
if (jokShow == 25) {
var _jok =  "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.\n'Robin Williams'";
}
if (jokShow == 26) {
var _jok =  "After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband Mike died suddenly.  According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.  Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring.  She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.  'Mike, my beloved Mike,' she began, 'I wish to talk to you.  Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat?  Well, here it is, Mike.  Do you like it?'  'And, Mike,' she continued, 'Do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring?  Yes?  You remember?  Here it is, Mike.  Do you like it?' 'Well,' Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, 'Here's that blow job I was promising you.'";
}
if (jokShow == 27) {
var _jok =  "A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money, she insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, 'it's a lot of money!'  After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).  The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.  She replied, '$165,000!' and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.  The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, 'Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around.  Where did you get this money?'  The old lady replied, 'I make bets.'  The president then asked, 'bets?  What kind of bets?' the old woman said, 'well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.'  'Ha!' laughed the president, 'that's a stupid bet.  You can never win that kind of bet!' the old lady challenged, 'So, would you like to take my bet?'  'Sure,' said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!' the little old lady then said, 'okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?'  'Sure!' replied the confident president.  That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.  He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.  The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.  She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: '$25,000 says the president's balls are square!' the president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.  The president did.  The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.  'Well, okay,' said the president, '$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.'  Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.  The president asked the old lady, 'what the hell's the matter with your lawyer?'  She replied, 'nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank of America's president's balls in my hand.'";
}
if (jokShow == 28) {
var _jok =  "One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.  Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.  Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!  The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick; get that big?  I couldn't help but notice...'  Bubba laughed and said, 'every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.  Heck, it impresses the girls at school!'  The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself!  Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.  He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, 'Bubba, is that you?'";
}
if (jokShow == 29) {
var _jok =  "A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.  The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms.  The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.  That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.  'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!'  The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'  The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'";
}
if (jokShow == 30) {
var _jok =  "A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.  After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.  The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.  The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.  The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.  The man hangs up and gives it some thought.  He concludes that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep.  So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.  The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.  Because they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.  He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.  The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.  He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.  The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.  He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.  'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.'";
}
if (jokShow == 31) {
var _jok =  "January 2000:  Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store.  The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.";
}
if (jokShow == 32) {
var _jok =  "June 1998:  19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.  Mr Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.";
}
if (jokShow == 33) {
var _jok =  "October 1998:  Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage.  He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.  He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.  The family was on vacation.  Mr Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days.  He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food.  Mr Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming that the situation caused him undue mental anguish.  The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.";
}
if (jokShow == 34) {
var _jok =  "October 1999:  Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle.  The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time.  Mr Williams was also in the fenced-in yard.  The award was less than sought, because the jury felt Mr Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.";
}
if (jokShow == 35) {
var _jok =  "December 1997:  A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx.  The beverage was on the floor because Ms Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.";
}
if (jokShow == 36) {
var _jok =  "December 1997:  Kara Walton of Claymont, De, successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.  This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.  She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.";
}
if (jokShow == 37) {
var _jok =  "January 2002:  Police in Vermont stopped a man.  After running his name, it came back that there were warrants for his arrest from Florida.  Before the police could arrest him, he fled into a nearby forest (in the middle of winter).  The police searched for him, but were unable to find him.  Three days later, the suspect turned himself in to police and was taken to hospital with frostbite where hw had several fingers and toes amputated.  He is now suing the police.  Why?  The police didn't look for him hard enough!  He stated, 'If they had searched harder, they would have found me'.  He's accusing the police of dereliction of duty leading to his loss of limbs.";
}
if (jokShow == 38) {
var _jok =  "From a Zimbabwean newspaper:   While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers.  When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.  Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue.  Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20.  As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.";
}
if (jokShow == 39) {
var _jok =  "Two girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, 'That's quite nice isn't it, don't you think Trace?'  'Yeah, what's it called?' 'Viens a moi'  'VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?'  At this stage the assistant offers some help.  'Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me' Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, 'That doesn't smell like come to me Trace.  Does it smell like come to you?'";
}
if (jokShow == 40) {
var _jok =  "A girl is crossing the road, when a car hits her.  As she is laying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.  'I'm so sorry!  I just didn't see you.  Are you OK?' he blurts out.  'Everything is just a blur, I can't see a thing,' she says, tearfully. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.  He asks, 'How many fingers have I got up?'  'Ah f**kin hell NO!' she screams.  'Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!'";
}
if (jokShow == 41) {
var _jok =  "This has got to be the stupidest joke ever but at least it makes you smile.  My oink for you today.  THE THREE LITTLE PIGS.  Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.  The waiter comes and takes their drink order.  'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.  'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.  'I want water, lots and lots of water,' said the third little piggy.  The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.  'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.  'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.  'I want water, lots and lots of water,' said the third little piggy.  The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.  'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.  'I want a root beer float,' said the second piggy.  'I want water, lots and lots of water,' exclaimed the third little piggy.  'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy, 'but why have you only ordered water all evening?'  The third piggy says, 'Well, somebody has to go wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'";
}
if (jokShow == 42) {
var _jok =  "Two tourists are driving through Wales. As they are approaching LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOCH, they start arguing about how to pronounce the town's name, and continue arguing until they stop for lunch. As the stand at the counter, one of the tourists asks the server:  'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you pronounce the name of the place where we are - very slowly, please?'  The employee leans over the counter and says: 'Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,gerrrrrrrrrrrrr,Kiiiiiiiiiiiing'";
}
if (jokShow == 43) {
var _jok =  "Men are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.";
}
if (jokShow == 44) {
var _jok =  "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.  I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen'.";
}
if (jokShow == 45) {
var _jok =  "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.";
}
if (jokShow == 46) {
var _jok =  "The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant.  Every table had an argument going.";
}
if (jokShow == 47) {
var _jok =  "Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?";
}
if (jokShow == 48) {
var _jok =  "You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last, second you catch yourself?  I feel like that all the time.";
}
if (jokShow == 49) {
var _jok =  "According to a recent survey, men say that the first things they notice about a woman are their eyes.  And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.";
}
if (jokShow == 50) {
var _jok =  "Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.";
}
if (jokShow == 51) {
var _jok =  "Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?";
}
if (jokShow == 52) {
var _jok =  "I'm not 40-something.  I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.";
}
if (jokShow == 53) {
var _jok =  "In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.";
}
if (jokShow == 54) {
var _jok =  "Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.";
}
if (jokShow == 55) {
var _jok =  "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened.";
}
if (jokShow == 56) {
var _jok =  "How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?";
}
if (jokShow == 57) {
var _jok =  "Doctors can be frustrating.  You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, 'I wish you'd have come to me sooner.'";
}
if (jokShow == 58) {
var _jok =  "You read about all these terrorists ..... most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 or 15 years.  Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you.  Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.";
}
if (jokShow == 59) {
var _jok =  "A guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar.  The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of limejuice. She says, 'Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice.'  He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.  First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it in his mouth and swishing it back and forth over is tongue; smooth, creamy, a warm feeling in his mouth.  Then he adds the limejuice to mix with the Bailey's.  After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth.  Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh limejuice.  Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.  With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to his girlfriend and asks, 'What the hell was that?'  She whispers in his ear.  'Its called Blowjob revenge.'";
}
if (jokShow == 60) {
var _jok =  "What kind of friend are you? \nAre you sick to the back teeth of all those mushy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?  Well, here is a 'friendship' poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!  Friend, When you are sad, ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.  When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.  When you smile, ... I'll know you finally got a shag.  When you are scared, ... I will rag you about it every chance I get.  When you are worried, ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to shut up.  When you are confused, ... I will use little words to explain it to you, you thick idiot.  When you are sick, ... stay away from me until you're well again.  I don't want to catch it.  When you fall, ... I will point and laugh at you, clumsy tart!  This is my oath, ... I pledge 'till the end.  Why you may ask?  Because you're my friend!  P.S.  A friend will help you move house.  A really good friend will help you move a body!";
}
if (jokShow == 61) {
var _jok =  "These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.  Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.\n\nQ: Are you sexually active?\nA: No, I just lie there.\n\nQ: What is your date of birth?\nA: July fifteenth.\nQ: What year?\nA: Every year.\n\nQ: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?\nA: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.\n\nQ: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?\nA: Yes.\nQ: And in what ways does it affect your memory?\nA: I forget.\nQ: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?\n\nQ: How old is your son, the one living with you?\nA: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.\nQ: How long has he lived with you?\nA: Forty-five years.\n\nQ: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?\nA: He said, Where am I, Cathy?'\nQ: And why did that upset you?\nA: My name is Susan.\n\nQ: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the cult?\nA: We both do.\nQ: Voodoo?\nA: We do.\nQ: You do?\nA: Yes, voodoo.\n\nQ: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?\n\nQ: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?\n\nQ: Were you present when your picture was taken?\n\nQ: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?\nA: Yes.\nQ: And what were you doing at that time?\n\nQ: She had three children, right?\nA: Yes.\nQ: How many were boys?\nA: None.\nQ: Were there any girls?\n\nQ: How was your first marriage terminated?\nA: By death.\nQ: And by whose death was it terminated?\n\nQ: Can you describe the individual?\nA: He was about medium height and had a beard.\nQ: Was this a male, or a female?\n\nQ: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?\nA: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.\n\nQ: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?\nA: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.\n\nQ: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?\nA: Oral.\n\nQ: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?\nA: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.\nQ: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?\nA: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.\n\nQ: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?\nQ: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?\nA: No.\nQ: Did you check for blood pressure?\nA: No.\nQ: Did you check for breathing?\nA: No.\nQ: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?\nA:No.\nQ: How can you be so sure, Doctor?\nA: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.\nQ: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?\nA: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.\n";
}
if (jokShow == 62) {
var _jok =  "ALTERNATIVE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS . . . (pretty rude)\n\n\nYou've been warned...\n\n\n\nMOST SEMEN SWALLOWED\nMichelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.\n\nLONGEST PUBES\nMaoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits & 28 inches from her vagina.\n\nMOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH\nLinda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.\n\nZIT POPPING\nIn July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby,England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of (7ft 2in).\n\nWORST DRINK\nThe most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona.  It is drunk by Afghani tribes men on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen.  It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.\n\nMOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL\nThis is available from a few select bars in New York.  It contains tomato juice, a double shot of  vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime.  It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.\n\nGREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN\nHorst Schultz achieved (18ft 9in) with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid.  He also hold the records for the greatest height (12ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.\n\nLONGEST TURD\nThe longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2hr 12mins which was officially measured at (12ft 2in).  The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.\n\nMOST PROLONGED FART\nBernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of (2mins 42secs).";
}
if (jokShow == 63) {
var _jok =  "I'M TIRED\n\nYes, I' m tired.\n\nFor several years I've been blaming it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution, saccharin, obesity, dieting, under arm odour, yellow wax build up and another dozen maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.\nI found it ain't that.\nI' m tired because I' m overworked.\nThe population of this country (UK of course) is 58 million.\n21 million are retired - that leaves 37 million to do the work.\nThere are 19 million in schools - that leaves 18 million to do the work.\n7 million are working or loitering abroad - that leaves 11 million to do the work.\n2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the government - that leaves 5 million to do the work.\n1 million are in the armed forces which leaves 4 million to do the work.\n3 million are employed by the county councils- leaving 1 million to do the work.\nThere are 620,000 people in hospitals and 379,998 in prisons.\nThat leaves 2 people to do the work.\n\nYOU AND ME!!!!\n\nAND YOU ARE SITTING ON YOUR ARSE READING THIS..\n\nNO WONDER I'M F...... TIRED.";
}
if (jokShow == 64) {
var _jok =  "THINK BLINK SPLAT\n\nAn Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.  After much deliberation the Englishman said, 'I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash' 'Good try' agreed the Scot, 'but I think Blinking is even quicker.'  'Pretty good but not quick enough,' quipped the Welshman.  'I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light.'  After a few moments Paddy cut in, 'I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhoea wins!'  'What the hell ! are you talking about, Paddy?' chimed the three other guys.  'Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shit myself!'";
}
if (jokShow == 65) {
var _jok =  "Simles!\n\nThree dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.  The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A police detective is sent and is taken straight to the first body. 'Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,' says the coroner. The detective is taken to the second dead man. 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence The smile.'  'Nothing too unusual here,' thinks the detective, and asks to be shown the last body. 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one.  Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.'  'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the detective. To which the coroner replies: 'Thought he was having his picture taken.'";
}
if (jokShow == 66) {
var _jok =  "Jewish Lovemaking\n\nAn elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.  Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:\n'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.  'Okay', he says to the husband, 'let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and YOU wave the towel over them.'  Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.  The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: 'You see, you youngsters know nothing... THAT'S how you should wave a towel!'";
}
if (jokShow == 67) {
var _jok =  "Eddie came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.  He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.  When he awoke a short while later he saw a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.\n'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Eddie, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.\nThe mysterious Man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter'.\nEddie was stunned, 'You mean I'm dead!!!  That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.\nSt Peter replied, 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.  We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'\nEddie was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.\nA flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.\n'This ain't so bad', he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.\nThe farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'\n'It's not so bad' replied Eddie, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.\n'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.\n'Never' replied Eddie.\n'Well just relax and let it happen'.\nAnd so he did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.  An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.  When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!  The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,\n'Eddie, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed.'\n\nSubmitted by: 'Caron H'";
}
if (jokShow == 68) {
var _jok =  "Just imagine sitting in your car in a traffic jam on your way to work and hearing this.....\nMany Sydney, Australia folks DID hear this on FOX FM morning show in Sydney!\n\nThe DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes.\nThe game is called ''Match Mate''.\n\nThe DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or are seriously involved with someone, if the contestant answers ''yes'', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification - if their partner answers those same 3 questions correctly, they both win a prize.\nOne particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly one of the funniest things you've ever heard! Anyway, here's how it all went down.....\n\nDJ:''Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ''Match Mate''?''\nContestant: (laughing) ''Yes, I have.''\nDJ: ''Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What's your name? First only please.''\nContestant: ''Brian.''\nDJ: ''Brian, are you married or what?''\nBrian: (laughing nervously) ''Yes, I am married.''\nDJ: ''Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.''\nBrian: ''Sara.''\nDJ: ''Is Sara at work, Brian?''\nBrian: ''She is gonna kill me.''\nDJ: ''Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?''\nBrian: (laughing) ''Yes, she's at work.''\nDJ: ''Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?''\nBrian: ''About 8 o'clock this morning.''\nDJ: ''Atta boy, Brian.''\nBrian: (laughing sheepishly) ''Well...''\nDJ: ''Question #2 - How long did it last?''\nBrian: ''About 10 minutes.''\nDJ: ''Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have ever said that if a trip wasn't at stake.''\nBrian: ''Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.''\nDJ: ''Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?''\nBrian: (laughing hard) ''I, ummm, I, well...''\nDJ: ''This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?''\nBrian: ''Not that it was that great, but her Mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks...''\nDJ: ''Uh huh...''\nBrian: ''...and the Mother-in-Law was in the shower at the time.''\nDJ: ''Atta boy, Brian.''\nBrian: ''On the kitchen table.''\nDJ: ''Not that great?? That is more adventurous than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's number and call her up. You listen to this.''\n\n[3 minutes of commercials follow]\n\nDJ: ''Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?'' (touch tones.....ringing.....)\nClerk: ''Kinkos.''\nDJ: ''Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?''\nClerk: ''This is she.''\nDJ: ''Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.''\nSara: (laughing) ''A couple of hours?''\nDJ: ''Well, a while now. He is on the other line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo... do you know the rules of ''Match Mate?''\nSara: ''No.''\nDJ: ''Good!''\nBrian: (laughing)\nSara: (laughing) ''Brian, what the hell are you up to?''\nBrian: (laughing) ''Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.''\nDJ: ''Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.''\nSara: (laughing) ''Yes.''\nDJ: ''Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?''\nSara: ''Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.''\nDJ: ''What time?''\nSara: ''Around 8 this morning.''\nDJ: ''Next question. How long did it last?''\nSara: ''12, 15 minutes maybe.''\nDJ: ''Hmmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect her husbands manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one answer away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?''\nSara: (laughing) ''Yes.''\nDJ: ''Where did you have it?''\nSara: ''OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?''\nBrian: ''Just tell him, honey.''\nSara: ''Well...''\nDJ: ''Come on Sara..... where did you have it?''\n\nSara: ''Up the arse....''\n\nAfter a long pause, the DJ said, ''Folks, we need to take a station break.''\n\nAnd the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing.\n\nSubmitted by: 'Caron H'";
}
if (jokShow == 69) {
var _jok =  "A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, 'I vish to buy sex vit you.'\n'OK, says the girl I charge $100 an hour.'\n'Ist goot but I must vorn you I am little kinky,' says the guy.\n'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'\nSo off they go to the girls flat where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck whistle.\n'Tie ze springs to ze limbs.'\nThe girl does this.\n'Now get on ze hans and knees and blow whistle as I make love to you.'\nShe is bounced all over the room honking on the duck whistle. The climax is the best she has ever experienced.\nFinally she gasps, 'what do you call that?'\n'Ah!' says the German......\n'four sprung duck technique.'\n\nSubmitted by: 'Heather S'";
}
if (jokShow == 70) {
var _jok =  "Alternative CPR.\n\nA woman in a coma was getting a bed bath when she responded to being touched in the vaginal area.\nThe nurse called her husband in and told him that oral sex might waken her.\nHe went in and 2 minutes later she was dead.\nThe nurse asked, 'what happened?'\nHe replied, 'dunno, maybe she choked!'";
}
if (jokShow == 71) {
var _jok =  "A Prayer For The Stressed.\n\nGrant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change\nThe courage to change the things I cannot accept\nAnd the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people\nI had to kill today because they pissed me off\n\nAnd also, help me to be careful\nOf those toes I step on today\nAs they may be connected to the arse\nThat I may have to kiss tomorrow\n\nHelp me also to give 100% at work\n12% on Monday\n23% on Tuesday\n40% on Wednesday\n20% on Thursday\n5% on Friday\n\nAnd help me to remember…..\nWhen I’m having a really bad day and it seems\nThat people are trying to piss me off\nThat it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4\nTo extend my arm and smack them in the mouth.";
}
if (jokShow == 72) {
var _jok =  "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.....\n'Dean Martin'";
}
if (jokShow == 73) {
var _jok =  "As if Patrick Swayzes death wasn't tragic enough it has been revealed that Keith Floyd had been booked to do the food at the wake!";
}
if (jokShow == 74) {
var _jok =  "Gold medal winner Caster Semenya is furious at having to take a gender test.\nShe said, 'After my success on the track, this comes as a right kick in the bollocks!'";
}
if (jokShow == 75) {
var _jok =  "Teacher asks class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.\nFirst little boy says alligator. . .  'Very good that's a big word'. . . \nSecond boy says predator . . . 'Yes that's another big word'. . .\nThird boy says Vibrator miss.... After nearly falling off her chair, she says. 'That's a big word but it doesn't eat anything!'\nThe boy replies. . .  'Well my sister has one and she says it eats Batteries like fuck..!'";
}
if (jokShow == 76) {
var _jok =  "The Seven Stages of Sex!\n\nThe 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.\nThis kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.\n\nThe 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.\nThis is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.\n\nThe 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.\nThis is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.\n\nThe 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.\nThis is when you have been with your partner for too long.  When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'f... you.'\n\nThe 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.\nWhich means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)\n\nThe 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex.\nThis is when you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.\n\nAnd last, but not least! The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.\nYou get a little each month. But not enough to live on. ";
}
if (jokShow == 77) {
var _jok =  "A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.  The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make £39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks (£1,700,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic. . .\n\n'Try doing it with the engine running.'\n ";
}
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